Daydreams and distant memories
Whisk my heart in light so sweet.
Take me by the hand,
Feel your toes in sun-kissed sand…
Innocent and carefree,
Thoughts swim into my head.
I think I’ve waded too deep
In the pool of faded dreams..
I think I’ve swam too far
In the ocean of my sleep..
Don’t cry over spilled milk, my dear.
Tomorrow is another day.
Time repeats itself over again,
So why don’t you do it, too?
Why don’t you
Dream of Slumber?
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Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
Nice poem!!! It has a sweet, lazy tone, with a bit of emotion, but not enough to get excited. Good job
It had this nice hazy feel to it...
which can only be expressed by song...
But I won't go there.
Great job. Got more comment than my first work.... lol
Thank you, Rivergirl.
nice. i agree with ieatworms, the "sweetness and whimsy" of it was really appealing. my favorite line is "take me by the hand, feel your toes in sun-kissed sand..."
is this the first piece youve posted on yws? if it is, youre off to a great start. im looking forward to reading more of your poems.
Thank you all for your comments, especially Writersdomain, you helped me out alot.
My edited second version:
Quiet daydreams and distant memories
Whisk my heart in light so sweet.
Take me by the hand,
Feel your toes in sun-kissed sand…
Innocent and carefree,
Thoughts dance into my head.
I think I’ve waded too deep
In the pool of faded dreams..
I think I’ve flown too high
In the sky of drowning tears..
Don't weep over wasted time,
Tomorrow is another day.
Have a heart and
let go, relax.
So why don’t you do it, too?
Why don’t you
Dream of Slumber?
I like the sweetness and whimsy of this piece.
Small note: the elipses (...) are unnecessary.
Big note: You switched from talking about yourself to addressing "you". Was this intentional? You may wish to work on your transition between the second and last stnaza.
Very pretty.
I really like this peice, its a good change from the things i normal write, nothing really i can say to change about it. Just keep doing what your doing, I think you should look at some of the lines thought, like
it just doesnt seem to fit with me, but thats me personally, great work though :thumb:This had a dreamy feel to it; I thought it was quite good but I do have some suggestions
Your first line was good, but I would suggest adding an adjective before 'daydreams' to add feeling. Second line was pretty good, I wasn't thrilled with it, but it was okay. I wasn't sure if you wanted the last two lines to rhyme, but if you did, I think you should say 'Take me now by the hand' so its rhythm fits better with the line after it.
I like your first line though I'm not too fond of the word 'carefree', but I didn't like your verb in the second line. You use such beautiful verbs before and after this; I suggest finding something more exotic than 'swim'. 'I think I’ve waded too deep in the pool of faded dreams.. ' I love those lines... beautiful. Again, you use swim. As I've said before, I'm not fond of that verb, but even if you don't change the first verb, I don't suggest repeating 'swim'. Eh, the ocean of sleep didn't really appeal to me. I mean, the 'pool of faded dreams' was just so beautiful that the 'ocean of sleep' just didn't sound right. Perhaps using some different words there would be good.
Em, I really didn't like your first line. It just didn't fit with the elegance of all the other stanzas and it is a very overused phrase. Perhaps, 'Don't weep over wasted dreams' might work, but I'm going to leave that line up to your creative abilities. 2nd line is good. 'Time repeats itself over again, ' Okay, this line has a point, but I think you should omit 'over again' and perhaps reword it a little. I really liked your last three lines though. Very nice job
Great poem... keep writing